Six years of motherhood

Six years ago today, Elizabeth and I met and became a family. It would be another year and a half before the adoption would become final, but it is on this day, 11/30/07, that I really consider that I became E's mom. I am not her only mom. J will always be her first mom. I love J and consider her part of my family although we've never met.

Some adoptive moms have said they wish their child came from them. I never wish E had come from me. If she had, she would not be exactly who she is, and I wouldn't change one single thing about her.

Happy Family Day! Six years goes fast!

 

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Sitting in the social worker's office

Six years ago today, in San Diego, CA, I sat in my adoption social worker's office. I'd gotten "the call" about two weeks earlier. Every adoptive parent knows about "the call". The most important call of your life. The one you wait and wait for, and dream about every night. The one where the social worker calls and tells you that there is a child for you. In my case, the wait really wasn't very long. It was only 3 months from when CPS approved me to adopt until I got the call.

So, on this day in 2007, I met with two social workers to learn all about a 4 month old baby girl who needed a permanent home. I knew they had pictures of her, but they wouldn't show them to me until after they had told me everything they knew about her. They wanted me to focus on all the information they were telling me, instead of just staring at her pictures, which I surely would have done if they had given me the pictures first. I'd known for almost two weeks that my answer was going to be yes. When the social worker finally brought out the pictures of her, I practically grabbed them out of her hand. And when they asked me at the end if I was "interested" in being this baby's mom, it was all I could do not to laugh. Actually, I think I did laugh. Of course I want to be this baby's mother!!

 

 

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An open letter to the Capobiancos...

Listen, I'm an adoptive mom. I get it. I know you love Veronica and that it was indescribably hard to let her to go to her father 19 months ago. After all, you had been raising her since birth for almost two years. I know you feel that you are her rightful parents, and that she should be with you. But here is the thing: Veronica's father has been fighting for her since she was a very little baby. He did not ever consent to Veronica being adopted. It was back when she was 4 months old, and Dusten Brown made known he was not only against the adoption, but willing and able to raise her himself, that you should have let her go. But...like I said, I can almost understand how you couldn't let her go. She had been with you since birth, she truly felt like your daughter. So you held on until you were legally forced to give her up when she was 23 months old.

So here we are today. Veronica has now been living with her father for 19 months. By all accounts they have a strong bond, and Veronica has thrived in his care. And you. You are still fighting to get her back. This I don't understand. And frankly, my sympathy for you is zilch. My sympathy is for the little girl who, because of you, may be taken, once again from her home and in this case, taken from her biological family.

Like I said, I'm an adoptive parent. I love my daughter more than words could ever describe. But if she had ever been removed from my custody and given to her biological parents, I would really, really like to think I would have done the right thing and let her go. Not kept fighting for her. As heartrending as it would be for me, I hope I would have realized that at that point, this child wasn't available for adoption. See, adoption should only be for children who have no family willing or able to care for them. Veronica has a father who has proven himself to be a fit parent who wants to raise his child, in fact is raising his child. She is not available for adoption. You may feel entitled to her, but you aren't. She doesn't need "saving" or to be brought "home." She already is home.

My question to you is, how will you answer her when she asks you why you took her away from her father? From her family? Do you think uprooting her again will have no negative impact on her? If you truly care about her well-being, then do the right thing. Let her stay with Dusten. Stop fighting for her so that Dusten and his wife can focus on raising her and not on fighting you in court.

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My head is going to explode!

So, as I've mentioned before, I read a lot of adoption blogs. Many of them have pretty strong views on adoption, both pro-adoption, and anti-adoption. I've read blogs that tout adoption as God's plan, and "meant to be." And I've read blogs where adoption is compared to slavery, and that it's "legalized kidnapping." I think I'm overdosing on adoption blogs, actually, because it's all starting to sound like noise coming at me from all different directions. I'm taking in all these different viewpoints and trying to make sense of it, this adoption. I think, 5 years later, I'm still trying to process this huge thing I did. Today, though, two things grounded me. The first was, watching a mom with her infant twins. On paper, she doesn't look like she could be a fit mother. She has an extensive history of addiction and mental health issues. Child Protective Services was thisclose to taking the babies from her at birth, but they didn't. And I watch this mom with her little newborns, so nurturing, and in tune with them. She knows their cries, the things that will soothe one, but not the other, and everything else about their little personalities that are just starting to develop. The way she looks at them, and talks about them is so incredibly loving, even when she's complaining about the lack of sleep. The three of them are so clearly bonded and meant to be together, it seems unthinkable that there almost could have been a prospective adoptive parent holding those babies instead. The second thing today that grounded me was, snuggling with my daughter in bed as she fell asleep ( yes, she still sleeps with me). It made all those voices go quiet, it made everything seem ok. I don't know how E will feel about being adopted when she's older, and I don't know how her birthmother feels about the adoption. But lying there snuggling with E, for a few minutes, I stopped worrying about it all and just was present. And boy, today, I really needed that.

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Is her Birth Certificate a lie?

So I signed up Elizabeth for Soccer yesterday. In order to register her, I had to provide a copy of her Birth Certificate (to verify that she meets the age requirement to play). Doing so made me think again about this legal document that we have and what it says. It says that I'm her mother, which is true. I am. But it implies that I gave birth to her, which obviously, I did not. It totally obliterates her first mother. And let's not even get into the fact that under "father", it is blank. So apparently, on 7/11/07, I magically produced and delivered a baby all by myself. Funny, I could have sworn I was actually sitting in a California Law and Ethics class that night...
Seriously, though, I don't understand why it is necessary for the amended Birth Certificate to erase E's birth parents. It's a Birth Certificate. J gave birth to her. That is a fact. I have no need to claim that I did. Why can't there just be an addendum to the original Birth Certificate, denoting the adoption? In answer to the question I asked in the post title, I'm going to say, yes, her amended Birth Certificate is kind of a lie. One thing that I am so glad of is that I have a copy of her original BC. Of course, legally, it is null and void, but I hope that it will mean something one day to E to have it.

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More food to feed my obsession with all things Adoption

Late to the party as always, I discovered a series in the Huffington Post called Portrait of an Adoption.  It is 30 different stories of adoption, told by adoptive parents, birthparents, and adoptees. Love!!!! Go check it out :)

66 months and a rambling post...

So, yesterday my girl turned five and a half. How did that happen? I know it is such a cliche, but in retrospect, it really does seem like it's gone by fast. I love watching her grow, and become more mature and independent. I love how much she loves school. It is so awesome watching her turn into this amazing person. However, I have to say, I love the baby stage, and kind of miss it..l always thought I'd adopt again by the time E was 4 or 5, but as I've mentioned before, that is most likely not going to happen...Actually, what I'd really love to do is stay home and be a foster mom to a baby or toddler. However, since I kind of need to work to pay rent and feed us, I guess right now, that's not an option either...I've really come to a place where I'm obsessed with passionate about foster care and adoption and I feel like I want to become more involved with it, at both a professional level, and a personal level. I like my current job (Substance Abuse Counselor), but I would really like to work with children and families around Foster Care and Adoption. One of my goals for 2013 is to make that happen.

The other day, E said to me, "I wish God would put a baby brother into your belly." Then, a few minutes later she said, "Actually, I don't wish that. We don't have room for a crib here." (Actually, we do. It's not like a certain person uses her bedroom to sleep in, anyway...ahem...)

 

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Back into the routine (and a Grey's Anatomy rant...)

Our Holidays were great, but I think Elizabeth is glad to be back to the routine, and back to school. I think she missed her friends and her teachers. I love that she is liking Kindergarten so much!

Playing outside at Grandma and Grandpa's yesterday afternoon...

On another note...(very) late to the party as always, I started watching Grey's Anatomy on Netflix. I never watched it before, but I'm on the third season now. So addictive! And Dr. McDreamy...oh, yeah...:) There was one adoption related storyline on the show that bothered me though. It was the one where Izzy revealed that as a teenager, she gave up a child for adoption. When Izzy was treating a pregnant girl in the hospital, she was actually trying to talk the girl into giving up her baby, even when the girl was saying she loved her baby and wanted to keep it. Izzy trotted out the whole tired argument about the girl not being able to give her child "the kind of life it deserves" because she lives in a trailer park and the girl's mother works in a factory. As if having a low income makes someone an unfit parent. Ugg...ok, enough of my rant. I know it's only a TV show, but it just bothered me to see that kind of coercion and the idea that she isn't good for enough for her own baby being put into that girl's head.

 

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The best day of my life....

was 5 years ago today. The day my baby was placed in my arms.

It would be another 15 months before the adoption was finalized. But to me, this day, 11/30/07, will always be the day Elizabeth and I really became mother and daughter. xoxoxox

 

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#$%@ People Say To Transracial Families

This you tube video has been making the rounds on the adoption blogs. It is classic, and spot on. It was made by three adoptive moms. I have to say, I don't get questions or comments too very often when I'm out with Elizabeth but it does happen. Overall, I've been asked about 90% of the questions heard on this video. My favorite is "How much did she cost?" Really?

My first time guest posting!

 Tammy, over at I Must Be Trippin' was calling for guest posts from people about how Foster Care has touched their lives. I decided to contribute, something I've never done before. Tammy is a Foster Mom extraordinaire. What I love is how she has maintained such close relationships with the children who have been in her home, and their families, once the children have left her.
Go check out Tammy's blog and my post. Mine is the second one. I plan to actually do a little tweaking of that post, and put it up here as it's own page, since it tells my story leading up to Foster Care and adoption, and I haven't gone into that at all on this blog.

Hope everyone's having a great weekend:)
 

Thank you, llg

The other day, this blog had a first.  It's first negative comment, actually.  And I was not hurt, offended or angry.  Why not? Because the comment was absolutely spot on. 

Let me explain...

Several years ago, back when E first came to me, she was technically  my "foster child." Her parents' rights had not yet been terminated and she was having occasional visits with them.  On one of the days she had a visit, I wrote this post .  If you don't feel like clicking back to read the whole thing, I'll give it to you in a nutshell: I said, "Regarding the visit, am I bad for being sort of glad that she was fussy? I was thinking that maybe the parents will think, this is too hard, we don't want to do this! We'll see...All I know is, these visits are supposed to take place twice a week every Mon. and Wed. for who knows how long. Ugg..." 

Nice, huh?   I actually was really hesitiant to bring this up, because I am pretty ashamed of what I said, and it feels hard to call attention to a post that I am very much...not proud of.  But a few days ago, I had a comment from someone who found that post.  Llg said, "I know this is late but hoping that a child's parents will give up on her so you can now "own" her is disgusting. But I guess in the end you won, right? They gave up on their child and you got what you wanted."  

What can I say?  When I first went into the adoption process, I knew very little about adoption from the points of view of adoptees, or natural parents.  I really only knew the "rainbows and unicorns" version.  But once I'd had Elizabeth with me for a while and was going through the adoption process with her, I began reading more and more about adoption.  I began reading lots and lots of blogs.  Not just by adoptive parents, but by adoptees and natural parents, too.  I began to finally understand that adoption is complicated, unfair and often unethical.  It's about loss and that by building one family, another one had to be torn apart.  My daughter did not get to be raised by her own parents with whom she shares DNA.  For me to say what I said in that post is "disgusting", as llg put it. 

Looking back, I know this: I was living in fear until the day E's adoption became final.  Living in fear that she would be taken from me.  I loved E from the moment I laid eyes on her, and all I wanted was to be her mother.  And, I was (obviously) not very evolved, adoption-wise.  So, I said some things and felt some things that were pretty selfish and entitled sounding.  Again, I'm not proud of it, and after getting that comment from llg, part of me wanted to delete that post and pretend it never existed.  But I didn't, and I won't.  I don't feel that way anymore. I actually really wish this adoption could be more open.  I do feel so grateful that E has been able to visit with and get to know her little sister.  My hope is that as the girls get older, they will be able to communicate by phone, computer, etc, and have visits. 

Anyway, thank you, llg, for your comment.  It sure made me do a lot of soul searching.

Was she destined to be my daughter?

There was a recent article in the NY Times which talked about destiny and "magical thinking" in adoption.  It stated that many adoptive parents believe that their child was "meant to be" their's, that it was fated to be so.  This article has been going around the adopto-blogosphere, with adoptive parents, adoptees, and natural mothers all expressing their feelings on this topic.  I thought I'd chime in  with my thoughts as well, since it's something I've thought about quite a bit over the past almost 5 years. 

So, were Elizabeth and I meant to be mother and daughter?  Well, honestly, I struggle with this concept.  Because if E was meant to be with me, then that means it was meant to be that her birth family could not/did not keep her and raise her.  That doesn't feel right.  In the natural order of things, she would be with her birth parents, not with me.  Now, having said that, I will say that having Elizabeth as my daughter has felt like a miracle to me, since day 1.  I've said a million times, I will never know how I got so lucky.  It feels so incrediably right to me that Elizabeth is my daughter and I am her mother.  But I don't believe that she was "born in the wrong tummy", or that J (E's birthmom) was a "vessel" to bring E to me.  No.  J and Elizabeth are mother and daughter.  Although they have not seen each other since E was 6 months old, they have a bond, on a cellular level, one that has nothing to do with me. 

I love E so much that it is very, very tempting to go all rainbows and unicorns and say that we were meant to be together.  I admit that a very big part of me loves that notion.  But doesn't believing that discount Elizabeth's birthparents and family?  Elizabeth's coming into my life certainly was a miracle, for me.  It's impossible for me to believe otherwise.  BUT...it was not a miracle for her.  Being taken from one's mother at birth and being raised by a stranger is no miracle.  And as E gets older and understands more and more about adoption, she is going to have feelings about this.  I will never discount her origins or her feelings by saying, "Honey, you were meant to be with me."  Maybe there is room for a little middle ground here?  Because I do think things happen for a reason.  It doesn't feel like a mistake that E is with me.  But she wasn't born to be with me.  She was born to be with J.  However, events in life happened that all lead to J not raising Elizabeth.  And this is where the miracle comes in, for me.  That of all the prospective adoptive parents out there, I was chosen to be E's Mom.  That is truly miraculous to me.  I can't imagie my life without E, and I can't remember when I didn't know her.  I am truly her Mom.  And so is J.

Sometimes...

Ok, so I'm feeling like this blog just focuses on the happy, fun stuff.  I don't want to give the impression that our lives here are perfect, or that it's all a breeze.  'Cause it ain't!   I know I appreciate "mommy blogs" that are honest and talk about real life stuff.  So I thought I'd write a little bit about some of the challenges we have here.  Before I do, I just want to say, the happy fun stuff I post about is real.  We have lots and lots of great times, and our lives are pretty darn good.   There is a lot of love and laughter in our little household.  But in the interest of keeping this blog "real"...

Sometimes...

-I lose my patience
-I let E watch too much TV
-the cost of full time Day Care makes me cry
-I get annoyed when a mother who's husband goes away for few days refers to herself as a "single parent"
-I hate having to work full time, even though I should be grateful that I have a job
-I hate going to the playground and would really rather just stay in and read
-I feel really guilty that E is in Day Care 9 hours a day
-E can at times be defiant and not too nice to me
-E puts up so much fuss when I try to do her hair that I now take her to a beauty salon regularly to avoid the stress
-I worry that I'm not explaining adoption well enough to her
-I feel sad that I probably won't adopt again
-I feel like a loser because we live in a rented apartment, instead of owning a house or condo
-E still sleeps with me, and I like it, but miss being able to read in bed before going to sleep
-I forget to be grateful for all that we do have...

PS: Don't forget to click on the brown button on the right to vote for me on Top Mommy Blogs.  Thanks!! :)

About Dads...

Since father's Day, I've been mulling this post around in my head.  It's a bit rambling, so bear with me...
Over the past year or so, Elizabeth has asked about her father periodically.  She has only seen him a handful of times during brief supervised visits when she was a baby.  I have never met him, but I know his name and generally where he lives.  Also, when Elizabeth was adopted, the social worker gave me a picture of him, as well as of E's birthmom.  I have shown these pictures to Elizabeth several times and explained who they are.  Of course, we discuss her adoption periodically.  I think as she gets older, she is starting to understand it more and processing it more each time we talk about it.  But back to the main topic of this post.  Dads...
Most of the kids at E's Day Care/Preschool have two parents living with them,  Most of them have Dads.  A lot of these Dads are very involved, caring, loving, etc...When I see a Dad hoist their giggling child up on to his shoulders, or protectively hold his little girl's hand while walking to their car, a little piece of my heart breaks.  It can bring tears to my eyes, because my little girl doesn't have that.   And I wish she did.  I wish she had a Dad who she could wrap around her little finger, who thinks the sun rises and sets with her.  Who could teach her how to play baseball and watch football with her on TV.  There are no easy answers to this.  Sometimes I even think, was it fair of me to adopt Elizabeth as a single parent?  Was it fair of me to take away her chance at having a Dad?  I love my daughter with all my heart, and cannot imagine my life without her.  And for me, I don't necessarily feel like I need a partner (although if the right person came along, that would be lovely...).  But what about Elizabeth?  Does she see all the Dads that her friends have and wish she had what they have?   I don't know, and I honestly can't bring myself to think about it too deeply.  The idea of Elizabeth hurting, or feeling a "lack" of anything in her life just breaks my heart. 

All that being said, we luckily have some excellent "father figures" in our lives.  First, we have my Dad, who is a great Grandpa to E.  And then we have her two Uncles, my brother and brother-in-law.  She doesn't get to see them as often as we'd like, but when we do, they are attentive, loving and fun!! with her.  And...we also have some awesome Dads of friends of E's who we spend time with. 

Sooo...no real point to this post, just felt like I wanted to write my thoughts on this topic.  As Elizabeth gets older, I know the discussions around adoption, race (a topic for another post), and being in a single parent household will evolve and get more complex.  One thing I realize though, any guilt I might feel about E not having a Dad is something that I need to deal with by myself, not put it on Elizabeth.   I want her to feel like she can be open with me about her feelings.  I don't want her to ever feel like she has to keep things from me in order to protect me, or take care of my feelings.  I want her to know, whatever she is feeling, she can talk to me about it, I can handle it.  I'm her Mama, that's my job.

Baby # 2? Nope, probably not...

When I first began the adoption process, I always imagined I would have at least 2 children. When Elizabeth came home, I thought I would probably adopt again when she was around 3 or 4. Well, here she is almost 4.5, and I in no way feel able to have another child. I wish I could. I know Elizabeth would love to have a sibling. She does have her bio sister, sweet little Baby B., but B. lives with her adoptive family back in San Diego, so obviously it's not like they are growing up together. When E and I are home together, E always wants me to play with her, or go to a friend's house to play. She is very social, and loves to be with other kids. So I feel really bad that she doesn't have a brother or sister to play with. But...I look at our situation financially, logistically, and there is just no way I can see making it (adding another child to our family)work. Not right now, anyway. To be really honest, the cost of full time Day Care is killing me, and I'm counting down the months til I don't have to pay that anymore. The thought of taking that on again with a new baby is just...not appealing. Part of me would would love another baby, for Elizabeth, and for me. But even beyond the financial aspect, I have to really fess up and say, I got my hands full with my one kiddo! I love my daughter more than life, but yeah, she can wear me out! So at this point, as a single parent, I somewhat sadly say that any plans for trying to adopt again are off the table...

4 Years ago today...

Four years ago today, in San Diego, CA, I met my daughter for the first time. She was 4 months old. I remember rushing home from work at 11am that Friday morning after Elizabeth's social worker Martha called to tell me she was on her way to my apt with E. I got to my place about 5 minutes before they did. When they arrived, it was pouring rain out. Elizabeth was sound asleep in the car seat in the back of Martha's car. I was so worried about E getting wet. I gently took E out of the car seat and wrapped her up in a blanket and hurried up my apartment, where it was warm and dry. My sweet little girl woke up and just took everything in. By now, there were two social workers in my apt., Martha, plus my social worker, Ann. They talked a lot, and had me sign a bunch things, but I have no idea what they said, or what I signed. I could only pay attention to this incredible, sweet little baby who had been brought to me. It would take another year and a half for the adoption to be finalized, but this day, 11/30/07, is the day we became a family. I love you, my little Princess. Happy Anniversary!