Sometimes...

Ok, so I'm feeling like this blog just focuses on the happy, fun stuff.  I don't want to give the impression that our lives here are perfect, or that it's all a breeze.  'Cause it ain't!   I know I appreciate "mommy blogs" that are honest and talk about real life stuff.  So I thought I'd write a little bit about some of the challenges we have here.  Before I do, I just want to say, the happy fun stuff I post about is real.  We have lots and lots of great times, and our lives are pretty darn good.   There is a lot of love and laughter in our little household.  But in the interest of keeping this blog "real"...

Sometimes...

-I lose my patience
-I let E watch too much TV
-the cost of full time Day Care makes me cry
-I get annoyed when a mother who's husband goes away for few days refers to herself as a "single parent"
-I hate having to work full time, even though I should be grateful that I have a job
-I hate going to the playground and would really rather just stay in and read
-I feel really guilty that E is in Day Care 9 hours a day
-E can at times be defiant and not too nice to me
-E puts up so much fuss when I try to do her hair that I now take her to a beauty salon regularly to avoid the stress
-I worry that I'm not explaining adoption well enough to her
-I feel sad that I probably won't adopt again
-I feel like a loser because we live in a rented apartment, instead of owning a house or condo
-E still sleeps with me, and I like it, but miss being able to read in bed before going to sleep
-I forget to be grateful for all that we do have...

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About Dads...

Since father's Day, I've been mulling this post around in my head.  It's a bit rambling, so bear with me...
Over the past year or so, Elizabeth has asked about her father periodically.  She has only seen him a handful of times during brief supervised visits when she was a baby.  I have never met him, but I know his name and generally where he lives.  Also, when Elizabeth was adopted, the social worker gave me a picture of him, as well as of E's birthmom.  I have shown these pictures to Elizabeth several times and explained who they are.  Of course, we discuss her adoption periodically.  I think as she gets older, she is starting to understand it more and processing it more each time we talk about it.  But back to the main topic of this post.  Dads...
Most of the kids at E's Day Care/Preschool have two parents living with them,  Most of them have Dads.  A lot of these Dads are very involved, caring, loving, etc...When I see a Dad hoist their giggling child up on to his shoulders, or protectively hold his little girl's hand while walking to their car, a little piece of my heart breaks.  It can bring tears to my eyes, because my little girl doesn't have that.   And I wish she did.  I wish she had a Dad who she could wrap around her little finger, who thinks the sun rises and sets with her.  Who could teach her how to play baseball and watch football with her on TV.  There are no easy answers to this.  Sometimes I even think, was it fair of me to adopt Elizabeth as a single parent?  Was it fair of me to take away her chance at having a Dad?  I love my daughter with all my heart, and cannot imagine my life without her.  And for me, I don't necessarily feel like I need a partner (although if the right person came along, that would be lovely...).  But what about Elizabeth?  Does she see all the Dads that her friends have and wish she had what they have?   I don't know, and I honestly can't bring myself to think about it too deeply.  The idea of Elizabeth hurting, or feeling a "lack" of anything in her life just breaks my heart. 

All that being said, we luckily have some excellent "father figures" in our lives.  First, we have my Dad, who is a great Grandpa to E.  And then we have her two Uncles, my brother and brother-in-law.  She doesn't get to see them as often as we'd like, but when we do, they are attentive, loving and fun!! with her.  And...we also have some awesome Dads of friends of E's who we spend time with. 

Sooo...no real point to this post, just felt like I wanted to write my thoughts on this topic.  As Elizabeth gets older, I know the discussions around adoption, race (a topic for another post), and being in a single parent household will evolve and get more complex.  One thing I realize though, any guilt I might feel about E not having a Dad is something that I need to deal with by myself, not put it on Elizabeth.   I want her to feel like she can be open with me about her feelings.  I don't want her to ever feel like she has to keep things from me in order to protect me, or take care of my feelings.  I want her to know, whatever she is feeling, she can talk to me about it, I can handle it.  I'm her Mama, that's my job.

Baby # 2? Nope, probably not...

When I first began the adoption process, I always imagined I would have at least 2 children. When Elizabeth came home, I thought I would probably adopt again when she was around 3 or 4. Well, here she is almost 4.5, and I in no way feel able to have another child. I wish I could. I know Elizabeth would love to have a sibling. She does have her bio sister, sweet little Baby B., but B. lives with her adoptive family back in San Diego, so obviously it's not like they are growing up together. When E and I are home together, E always wants me to play with her, or go to a friend's house to play. She is very social, and loves to be with other kids. So I feel really bad that she doesn't have a brother or sister to play with. But...I look at our situation financially, logistically, and there is just no way I can see making it (adding another child to our family)work. Not right now, anyway. To be really honest, the cost of full time Day Care is killing me, and I'm counting down the months til I don't have to pay that anymore. The thought of taking that on again with a new baby is just...not appealing. Part of me would would love another baby, for Elizabeth, and for me. But even beyond the financial aspect, I have to really fess up and say, I got my hands full with my one kiddo! I love my daughter more than life, but yeah, she can wear me out! So at this point, as a single parent, I somewhat sadly say that any plans for trying to adopt again are off the table...