Thursday, June 11, 2009

Who would have thought it?

I've had this post swirling around in my head for the past few days, and I'm finally sitting down to (try) to write it in a somewhat coherent manner. What makes it tricky is that someday, I know Elizabeth will read this, so I want to be really careful how I word what I want to say here.

I read quite a few adoption blogs (I love you all, don't ever stop!) and many of them have had posts this week about Open Adoption. Reading them has really made me think...A lot... I've had many people IRL ask me if Elizabeth's adoption is "open." That is such a strange question to me. The truth is, I'd really like to meet Elizabeth's birth parents. I'd really like for them to know how beautiful and amazing this little girl is. I want to tell them how special they both are to me because they created Elizabeth. There are so many things I want to share with them. No one is more surprised by these feelings than I am. Before I went into the adoption process, I sort of had that "TV movie of the week" feeling about birth parents. You know, that they are a threat, and that if you keep open contact with them, they will one day come to your house in the middle of the night to "get their baby back." I never thought I would feel disappointed that in my case, I have had no contact with Elizabeth's birth parents. Zero. Zilch. Elizabeth's birth parents have a lot of challenges and limitations. To be honest, I'm really not sure how they processed the whole thing- having a baby (who never went home from the hospital with them), having supervised visitations and attempted reunification services, and ultimately losing parental rights. I don't know what they think of everything that happened, or how they feel. I wish I did. I find myself wanting to make some kind of connection with E's birth mom, especially. But I just think she is not able to do that. Cognitively, she isn't there. It's funny, Elizabeth and I live 10, maybe 15 minutes max away from birthmom. But it's like we are on two separate planets, our worlds are so different.

In one month, Elizabeth will be 2 (I know!). As part of the adoption finalization paperwork, I decided I will send pictures of E to the agency once a year, around E's birthday, so that if the birthparents want to know how E is doing, they can go to the agency. That was totally my choice. It was not requested by the birth family, or by the agency. I just know that every July from now on, I will send pictures and write a letter to the birthparents. These updates may just sit in a file year after year, untouched, collecting dust. But maybe not. I hope not. I want them to know that in spite of of all the hard times they have had, and the mistakes they have made, they did one thing unbelievably right. Somehow, sending a few pictures once a year seems like the least I can do.

1 comment:

Mama Duck said...

You know, I think that one day Elizabeth will be very happy that you tried to provide her birthparents with updates. That way, there are no closed doors on your end. Who knows what the future holds?

I can identify with your feelings of "TV birthmoms" though...can be scary, all of those made for TV movies.

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