Saturday, December 8, 2012

Accepting my lot

I read a lot of adoption blogs. I read blogs from all members of the adoption "triad" or "constellation," or whatever you want to call it. One thing I've read in some blogs is the opinion that adoption should not exist at all, and that women who are infertile should "just accept their lot" and remain child free. Hmmm...I have a lot of feelings about this, speaking as someone who is infertile. First of all, a big part of me says, how dare you tell me that as someone who cannot biologically have children, I should just suck it up and live out my life never being a parent. You, who invariably have had biological children, have no right to say that I shouldn't get to be a mother.

However...another part of me feels like, yes, there are very definitely certain types of adoption that I don't agree with, that I don't feel very good about ethically, and would not pursue. One thing I've learned over these past 5 years is that adoption is complicated. Such a cliche, I know, but so true. I think there are many adoptions that occurred for the wrong reasons and should never have happened. One thing I really get now is, adoption is not a cure for infertility. Adoption made me a mom, yes. But I still feel twinges of something when I see a pregnant woman (jealousy? sadness?) Obviously, I love my daughter to the moon and back, and would not trade her for the world. But after she came to me, it surprised me some to realize that I still carry a little grief somewhere inside me to know that I will never be pregnant or give birth. Elizabeth is not a replacement for the biological child I couldn't have. That is not her responsibility. She is her own person, with her own DNA, personality, and things that make her tick. I feel like my job as her parent through adoption, is to nurture those wonderful things that make her, her. I've read some blogs by adult adoptees who say they never felt like they fit in with, or were understood by their adoptive families growing up. Of course, Elizabeth and I will never share DNA, but I can honor and love Elizabeth, unconditionally, for who she is. Which I do, and there's not a thing I would change about her.

Ok, starting to ramble at this point, so I'll wrap this up by just saying again...yes, adoption is complicated!!

3 comments:

My name is Andy. said...

Great post! You really articulated your thoughts well. Thanks for sharing.

Tracy said...

Hi, your family is beautiful! I am a new blogger, we are a foster/adoptive family as well! Please visit our blog if you get a chance! Thanks for sharing your family :)
http://handpickedhandfuls.blogspot.com/

TTABaby said...

I mentioned to a friend recently that I'm still sad about my infertility and her response was "but now you have your baby." What she couldn't and wont understand (so I didn't go there with her) was that I still am infertile. My family plan will always be dictated by that simple fact. Thanks for sharing your perspective :)

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