This coming Sunday, Elizabeth will be formally welcomed into our Church in what they call the Child Dedication Ceremony. It's sort of like being Christened. We get up in front of the church and the minister asks me some questions (ex. Do I promise to always love and nurture this child? Um, yeah...) and gives a dedication and the congregation welcomes her. I don't know all the details, but I'm sure I'll cry. Between the ceremony, it being my first Mother's Day(!!!!!) and Elizabeth turning 10 months on that day- it should be quite an intense Sunday.
Thinking about the ceremony is bringing up a lot of feelings for me. Part of me feels like I don't have the right to have Elizabeth participate in this ceremony, because she is not yet legally my daughter. I don't like feeling this way. I want to be the one making the decisions for her, not CPS. I don't want to have to get some judge's permission to take her to Maine for vacation in June. I'm tired of social workers, and most of all, I want to be able to stop worrying that something will go wrong with the adoption and she will be taken from me. I want the name I call her to be her legal name. I'm tired of how slow CPS is. Ok, whine, whine whine...
Aside from the above mentioned "stressors," life with Elizabeth is wonderful. She is SUCH a joy. It makes me feel so good to see that she is such a happy little girl. I love her so much. It's weird, though; on the one hand I feel like she is a part of me, I feel so connected to her. On the other hand, when I refer to her as my daughter, I almost feel like I'm faking it, or lying. I don't know if that's because the adoption isn't final yet, or because this is all still relatively new. Whatever...I will just be glad when this marathon/adoption process is OVER. Until then, I'm holding my breath.
7 comments:
Hang in there Annie...before you know it, it will all be a distant memory!
How many diapers have you changed?
How many hours of sleep have you lost in the last 6 months?
How much do you love this little girl?
You ARE her MOM already!
Happy early Mother's Day.
Annie - Heidi said it so well! To me it feels like motherhood is this funny synthesis of having them be a part of you while you nurture them and then watching them slowly become their own independent, happy selves in the world. So, so fulfilling. Happy first Mother's Day! Enjoy it and try not to worry - there will be many more for you and Elizabeth to celebrate!
I think Elizabeth needs to feel a part of you as much as you need to feel a part of her regardless of what the paperwork says at this point.
For the longest time I felt like I was faking it when I called Eliza my daughter, etc. I was just thinking the other day how natural it is now. It all takes time.
Good luck with the ceremony. Make sure to take lots of pics for us to see! Thanks for sharing your story! I really appreciate it!
Tiffany
She is such a little beauty! Happy Mother's Day!
You are her momma...but I totally get what you are feeling. I felt like a fraud for awhile when I declared Sabrina my daughter. It was awhile before I felt like more than a babysitter. For some people owning the mom title comes gradually, for others there is a defining moment that makes it so. But the longer you function as her mom, the more you will feel that way.
Happy Mommy's Day! Hope you and Elizabeth are having a wonderful day!
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