Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Thank you, llg

The other day, this blog had a first.  It's first negative comment, actually.  And I was not hurt, offended or angry.  Why not? Because the comment was absolutely spot on. 

Let me explain...

Several years ago, back when E first came to me, she was technically  my "foster child." Her parents' rights had not yet been terminated and she was having occasional visits with them.  On one of the days she had a visit, I wrote this post .  If you don't feel like clicking back to read the whole thing, I'll give it to you in a nutshell: I said, "Regarding the visit, am I bad for being sort of glad that she was fussy? I was thinking that maybe the parents will think, this is too hard, we don't want to do this! We'll see...All I know is, these visits are supposed to take place twice a week every Mon. and Wed. for who knows how long. Ugg..." 

Nice, huh?   I actually was really hesitiant to bring this up, because I am pretty ashamed of what I said, and it feels hard to call attention to a post that I am very much...not proud of.  But a few days ago, I had a comment from someone who found that post.  Llg said, "I know this is late but hoping that a child's parents will give up on her so you can now "own" her is disgusting. But I guess in the end you won, right? They gave up on their child and you got what you wanted."  

What can I say?  When I first went into the adoption process, I knew very little about adoption from the points of view of adoptees, or natural parents.  I really only knew the "rainbows and unicorns" version.  But once I'd had Elizabeth with me for a while and was going through the adoption process with her, I began reading more and more about adoption.  I began reading lots and lots of blogs.  Not just by adoptive parents, but by adoptees and natural parents, too.  I began to finally understand that adoption is complicated, unfair and often unethical.  It's about loss and that by building one family, another one had to be torn apart.  My daughter did not get to be raised by her own parents with whom she shares DNA.  For me to say what I said in that post is "disgusting", as llg put it. 

Looking back, I know this: I was living in fear until the day E's adoption became final.  Living in fear that she would be taken from me.  I loved E from the moment I laid eyes on her, and all I wanted was to be her mother.  And, I was (obviously) not very evolved, adoption-wise.  So, I said some things and felt some things that were pretty selfish and entitled sounding.  Again, I'm not proud of it, and after getting that comment from llg, part of me wanted to delete that post and pretend it never existed.  But I didn't, and I won't.  I don't feel that way anymore. I actually really wish this adoption could be more open.  I do feel so grateful that E has been able to visit with and get to know her little sister.  My hope is that as the girls get older, they will be able to communicate by phone, computer, etc, and have visits. 

Anyway, thank you, llg, for your comment.  It sure made me do a lot of soul searching.

5 comments:

Betsy Keyes said...

I admire you Anne for being such a mature, loving, evolved person that you didn't take the bait of llg's uninformed attack.

Stephanie said...

Adoption is complicated and I am so glad that Elizabeth and you found each other. It's one thing to have an idea about something but until you actually go through it, it's hard to formulate a real opinion. You know the saying, walk a mile in someone else's shoes... Well, I think that's something we have to remind ourselves of each and every day.

Catherine said...

Anne, I'm sure this was not an easy post to write. So many of us entered our adoption journeys with rose coloured glasses on because that was all we knew at the time. When you wrote that post you shared where you were at the time. The important thing is that since then you have learned so much about adoption, attachment and so much more. Elizabeth is blessed to have you as her mommy....faults and all. :o) This Mommy thing is tough isn't it as all we want is what is best for our precious daughters.

Naveah said...

I'm sure this wasn't an easy post to write -- but I'm so glad you did. Reflecting on what you said/did before, what you've learned and how it's changed your perspective. When you know better, you do better.

And you are! Your daughter will surely benefit from growing up with a mama like you!!

TTABaby said...

I have a few posts I'd love to take down or edit and I've not allowed myself to do it. It's good to remember what we thought/felt even if it wasn't our best moments.

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